Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
