i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
