WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
