Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
