you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Randomize
