the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
