Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
