I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
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i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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