I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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