dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
