im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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