I accidentally had phone sex last night
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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