I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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