We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
