I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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