just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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