i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
