dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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