My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
