who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I don't deserve a penis
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
A+ Viking dick
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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