I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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