He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
