Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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