Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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