@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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