if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
