I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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