i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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