id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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