and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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