All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
