I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
