our cab driver is having phone sex.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
