3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
