I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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