Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
