i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
