My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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