my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
