wrigley field is MILF paradise
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
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