Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
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