my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
i think im in europe. pls send help
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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