dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
