i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
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Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
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I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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