dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
