Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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