Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
The beer is more important than you right now.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Randomize
