Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
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but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
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I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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