went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
