I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
