his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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