Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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