for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I need moral support for this bender
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
