HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
