I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
