my mouth tastes like poor choices
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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