Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
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The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
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My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
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