god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
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